Equilibrium
Grief and Buoyancy
There's heaviness to grief, albeit different kind. Sometimes it is a comfortable heaviness like a gravity blanket that shrouds you and holds you down. Sometimes it's a choking heaviness that wakes you in the middle of the night. Sometimes it's a sharp heaviness that cuts you open when you're just going about your day, and all of a sudden, it hurts so much.
It's been a few days since we came back from China. Jet lag has left me another night of sleep fewer than 4 hours last night. I rose at 6am to run a fundraising race benefiting the Grandview Foundation, a non-profit organization that provides addiction treatment and recovery. My brother-from-another-mother, Andy, has been the race director for a few years. Grandview helped him get sober more than 20 years ago, and he gives back by putting on an amazing race. This year, the race drew over 400 runners. There were fast times (17:01 for the 5k) for a challenging trail course, a great mix of Grandview participants, community members and volunteers, and lots of great cheer and music.
My friend Tamar and I jogged it, sharing updates of our lives and our kids. We crossed the finish line holding hands. It was such a moment of lightness for me. Since returning home, I have been struggling to hold opposing emotions in a neat equilibrium, seeing fewer and fewer things my spouse is capable of doing, yet witnessing more and more things my kids are capable of doing. What sorrow. What pride.
Joy Harjo's poem hit me.
"Oh, you have choked me, but I gave you the leash.
You have gutted me but I gave you the knife.
You have devoured me, but I laid myself across the fire."
There are so many tiny delights to savor, as I remind myself. The dried onion and black sesame on an everything bagel. The text from a friend, "hey it was great running into you." The run that is a gift that keeps on giving. Life is so generous.
"Love has taken away my practices
and filled me with poetry.
I tried to keep quietly repeating,
No strength but yours,
but I couldn't.
......
To praise is to praise
how one surrenders
to the emptiness.
To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.
Praise, the ocean. What we say, a little ship.
So the sea-journey goes on, and who knows where!
Just to be held by the ocean is the best luck
we could have. It's a total waking up!
Why should we grieve that we've been sleeping?
It doesn't matter how long we've been unconscious.
We're groggy, but let the guilt go.
Feel the motions of tenderness
around you, the buoyancy."
-- Rumi, Buoyancy
Regular programming will follow in the next issue. Until then, head up, wings out. (Thank you Oiselle for the best line ever!)
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